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Life Author Post Paul August 15, 2011, 9:21 pm I am exceedingly stressed by the horrors to come. About an hour ago I was in the most exalted of literary moods and now I am not. Now I am low in the bosom of the ocean wallowing in the filthy excrement of my intellectual stupor. Fuck. A perfect storybook scenario would be to seduced an innocent maiden and run off to some faraway land with her. Paul August 15, 2011, 9:23 pm I want to seduced something or even multiply with pigs; I am shining bright and shardy. I shall suxeed in my plans, which mean to dominate something or someone more so than the nature allows; I want to would not hate to be strong, actually, to show people, "you fux, i am stronger, behold me in my glory, the glory of one hated and betrayed by you!" O masses, O multitudes, I will show you one day! Paul August 15, 2011, 9:24 pm Lucian keeps me same and he is kind and proud, his self-surety makes me sure of myself sometimes when i'm sad, sometimes i wanna fuck it all and just leave the fuck away but he helps me and so do zach and nathan. problem is i run 2 much away from them, i actually like to cocoon myself like a maggot. Paul August 15, 2011, 9:28 pm i am insane, theres no doubt. in the old days they didnt have apostrophes so i wont have any anymore becuz ive realized that they waste far too much time. one apostrophe per sentence wastes about a fourth of a second probably and that in 100 sentences already piles up to 25 seconds, which means that we lose minutes with apostrophes even tho the meaning of words, or whether they're possessive or plurals, is obvious without the employment of the apostrophe. i feel a little weird now. i feel very weak and vulnerable and my consciousness is playing trix on itself again, like its fucking itself; i wanna just it leave me alone because consciousness is a burthen to me. fuck. this morning i was so happy and my faith in girls was restored becuz i was talking to such a sweet one; but now i think the madness and the hopelessness are once again butchering the better sides of my evil side and there is little to do now except let it all out in this frenzy of senseless craziness. Paul August 15, 2011, 9:47 pm My faith in people is inherently very flimsy, like a house built upon sand. I have many people inside me too, but I trust them more than most of the people outside. These people inside me are sundry. They are like characters from a novel or a script. This brings me the world. Once I heard a man say that the inner world is really just a reflection of the outer world and vice versa. Of course this has been done before, it’s a fundamental of many eastern religions. In the merchant of venice, Gratiano’s told that the world is a stage where every person is an actor that plays a part, some sad and some happy. The concept is interesting. I ask myself: who is the scriptwriter? Are we our own scriptwriters, or is some superior power? I like to think that the former is the more probable, but I’m probably wrong, since free-will doesn’t exist. Borges said free will doesn’t exist. I sort of agree with him, albeit merely fundamentally. I recently actually came up with a stupid theory that makes absolutely no sense and holds little philosophical water, but to me it makes more sense than it probably would to anybody else, and that’s all that matters to me: I think that the world as it is has to be the way it is by nature, that the world as it is and the people in it as they are is the result of a necessary evolution, I mean an intellectual evolution- an evolution away from the savage animal state into the civilized communal stage. I sometime asked myself how it was possible for Cervantes, Montaigne, and Shakespeare to live at practically the same time in history and for all of them to modernize the human like they did so similarly? Shakespeare re-invented us in his peculiar way, by creating us anew, afresh, in a slightly more real mould; Cervantes reinfored the illusory aspect of life; Montaigne personalized the person. I find it intriguing how they all lived simultaneously. I also find it similarly peculiar how Bach wrote Bach and not his brother; how Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare and not his brother; how Newton was Newton and not his brother, and why Michelangelo was Michelangelo and not his neighbor. Leading me to the belief that these men had to exist by evolutionary necessity, that they had to exist to modernize and transform the human spirit, that such things happen because they must. And this is not to say that I believe in a superior power that guides the evolution of life, tho the existence of such a power would do much to facilitate my argument’s more illogical suggestions. We evolve by necessity, even by compulsion, and there is no bucket of free will, I think, for us to drink from; we are merely automatons. Paul August 15, 2011, 9:49 pm im very disgusted by whores, i think little is more repugnant than a woman that sells her body 2 pleasure and 2 men. Its depraved in men too but in women its utterly horrid. I would have a girl that is sweet, cute, and charming, like in those nineteenth century russian novels; that is an ideal worth dying 4. I would give up my life to her in submission to serve and protect and do her sweetness homage, till my dying breath (which I hope to god comes before hers!). Id be repulsed to have a lover that is bosy and cold; that is more controlling than I ought to have her; that is envious. I heard somewhere, maybe in freudian literature, that the child takes after the mother in many respects, seeks to emulate the mother in his choice of lovers. I agree- actually to a good extent I think thats very correct, but I think id like to have a lover whos not merely charmingly sweet but that has a good intellectual humor 2, but i hold the emotional faculty in her in higher price than the intellect, which i can do with only a degree of. Paul August 15, 2011, 9:51 pm my existence is meaningless. Paul August 15, 2011, 9:56 pm i have very much to say, too much. i shall let the demons speak anon. --------------